Silver Lining

date: 25-04-2025
mood: bad
author: Blurry

A month later! Sorry to keep you waiting!

We decided, after some consideration, to go back to our doctor to get a new referral for a different psychologist. That new psychologist firm (?) called us today for a screening, to see if they could properly help us. The talk went incredibly well; they were very kind and considerate and actually genuinely listened, which is more than our other psychiatrist could say, last call. He, of course, couldn't diagnose us on the spot, but he did say that he suspected we had a a dissociative disorder and that they'll certainly look into that once we actually start going there.

I'm actually so relieved that they said that. To hear they suspect the same thing you do and that they'll genuinely look into it... it's amazing. It finally feels like being taken seriously and that our struggles are heard. Of course, life would be better if we didn't have it at all, but if we do have it, I at least want a name for it to make sure we're not going insane.

Sadly, the waitinglist will be at least a year, which is insane and sad, but there's nothing anyone can do about it. At least we're on the list now and we're being heard.

Dissapointment

date: 26-03-2025
mood: bad
author: Max (no page yet)

We finally spoke with our psychiatrist today and my GOD was it exactly as horrible as we expected.

Despite our last journal entry, it was the psychiatrist we had before. We mentioned that we suspected a dissociative disorder and her response was genuinely laughable. She said that "we don't want to make people sick with a diagnosis" (like the diagnosis itself would make us sick) and that a diagnosis wouldn't be useful to me (as she always did), but that wasn't the end. She told me that "I should get to know myself better and see my conflicting parts as one part of a whole. It doesn't have to be 'or', it can also be 'and'". That we were suffering from "personality issues" because our autism and depression made it so that our identity underdeveloped.

What she was saying wasn't wrong (for the most part). But it's almost like... bad experiences/trauma... can cause... a dissociative disorder...? Also, we literally said things like "we hear voices in our head", "our entire personality, preferences, gender and sexuality and even TASTE shifts constantly" and "we dissociate daily" and she just kinda glossed over those things entirely.

We're never going back there. We might just stay self-diagnosed or look for a different professional who specializes in dissociative disorders, because this was the most useless interaction I ever had with any professional.

Scared

date: 20-03-2025
mood: stressed
author: unknown

The psychiatrist called us back today, but we missed it because we fell asleep. We learned we're supposed to be helped by the same psychiatrist that helped us before, which is absolutely horrifying. Why? Because that was literally traumatizing in and of itself. She missed SO many things we literally talked about, things we SUGGESTED even, and we never felt heard and taken seriously enough. We (with the encouragement of our lovely friend, if you're reading this, hi!) have decided to be brave this time and ask if someone else is available; we're not going to be traumatized again. We'll update the journal about how it went!

I'm stressed out about it, even though our day was PERFECT otherwise. I was having so much fun! We took a nice walk, I wrote down a lot of important system stuff, I saw such pretty insects outside... It was lovely! I wish it stayed that way and wasn't ruined by this stupid fear. The only other complaint was that I literally have no idea who I am. I suppose I am newly discovered...? No idea.

Small recap

date: 19-03-2025
mood: bad
author: unknown

First of all, we got a job! We applied for a job at the toy store and we actually got it. We've only gone there two times now, but it's actually been a blast, so that's nice.

The bad news is that we've been feeling horrible. Things outside have been going great, while things inside the system have been chaotic and messy. We keep discovering more and more alters, which makes it hard for us not to fall into denial of it all. Not to mention that things in general have just been... bad. We don't know what to do with ourselves anymore, basically. That's why "we" agreed to go back to therapy to hear a professional's voice on the matter. We first were very against this, as our experiences with therapy have been far from great, but we're running into a dead end at the moment. I hope things will go better this time around.

Stupid move

date: 08-03-2025
mood: alright
author: Kiki

We've always really liked daydreaming; it has been a coping mechanism for us since we were a child. Sometimes though, we get so into it that we forget we're daydreaming. Things we daydream about get so vivid and real, that being triggered inside that daydream feels as bad as being triggered in day to day life. This time was bad to the point where I dissociated entirely and don't even remember what it was that triggered us exactly. I hope this won't have too many consequences, but I feel stupid for letting it happen.